Being vulnerable is hard. As a queer person, this is a feeling I know all too well. It requires vulnerability each time I come out. But nothing compared to that first time I came out. When I came out to my family it went less than ideally, I wrote this poem to capture that moment and those feelings

 

The Eulogy

there is blood on my hands

and bruises on my knees

have I spent my whole life worshipping something that doesn’t even love me

my mom is crying in the corner as she watches her daughter be killed

hate the sin love the sinner

love your daughter but condemn her

I spent my life as a shell

a painted smile on my face

as I am deemed worthy of hell

the tears in my eyes bring me clarity for once

I begin to shout and start ringing the warning bell

I have always held a mask so tightly to my face

and all at once I realize the only way to be happy is if I put down this mask and release the me I have always wanted to be

but to do that I must pick up the knife and murder my parents’ daughter

I can no longer be the woman that they desire

simply because of who I desire

they would cast me out at every chance that they got

but I’ll be more than fine

because I’ve battled and I’ve fought

for so long I’ve been scared to utter these words out loud

but I don’t need a savior

and I can finally be proud

I can hold her hand and make her smile

and not worry about being put on trial

my parents may have lost their daughter

but I’ve found myself through being a martyr

I see the hurt in their eyes that they try so hard to hide and as I lay in my coffin I look around and I realize

my sisters haven’t even come to my funeral

all because they don’t see my love as beautiful

do I have to kill those I once held close? or has the murder I committed already turned them to ghosts?

do I let these people leave my life or do I chase them and scream and fight?

I know it’s easy to see what I have lost but let me tell you it was well worth the cost

I have finally found myself and know that I am good

my worth isn’t dependent on who I love or who I should

and now I stand here giving the eulogy at my very own funeral

so thank you for coming but there is no need to grieve the woman that was once here

wipe the tears from your eyes because who I am today is happy and whole

she’s confused and often feels alone

but she’s finding out who she is

and loves the room for growth

you see, I murdered my parents’ daughter

but I found myself through being a martyr

I was alone besides a few solid friends. I decided to post a tiktok to come out to everyone because I was tired of seeing and hearing everyone's raw reactions. I was also hoping that maybe just maybe I would find community if I was vulnerable. So I shared this tiktok: https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPd6Jh1tu/ 

It went viral overnight. I got a flood of comments of random strangers loving and supporting me...

                         

It was so strange. I was being met with love and an outpouring of support from over 100,000 people on my little screen. Yet, when I looked up I was alone. I had people texting me and praying for me, and not in the good way. I was vulnerable, and it paid off... or did it? It was nice to know there were people out there that were like me or that supported me, but they weren't here. So, I joined the GSA, I went to Tech's LGBT events, and I started to find community in person too. Vulnerability is hard, putting yourself out there is hard, but community, love, and support are always worth it.